By Andrew Napier
Capitalism, Cannibalism, and Timmy
By Andrew Napier
Once there was a small pony named Timmy. He lived in a small barn at the edge of a forest. Each year, this forest threatened to eat the barn. You see, the trees were alive and quite cranky. Despite the nice climate and fertile soil, which would make most trees quite happy, these trees preferred to tramp around the countryside eating barns and squashing small ponies. They were bad trees.
Luckily, Timmy was a very smart pony. He recognized the cannibalism of the trees’ culture and decided to exploit it. So he went to one of those places that squeezes sawdust together to make fake firelogs for people that don’t believe in burning real wood, and asked them for a special favor.
He said, “Hello, Place-That-Squeezes-Sawdust-Into-Fake-Firelogs people! My name is Timmy. I am a small pony, and the living trees that live next to my small barn always threaten to squash me and eat my barn every year. I need you to take this sawdust and this tree killer and squeeze it together into some fake boards so that I can build a new, poisonous barn that they will eat.”
“Well then,” said the Place-That-Squeezes-Sawdust-Into-Fake-Firelogs people. “That’s all good and well, but what’s in it for us?”
Timmy thought for a moment, then answered, “You see, once the trees are dead, you can grind them up and make sawdust out of them, which will increase your output by 13%, while decreasing your cost by 15%. It’s a huge economic opportunity!”
“Oho!” said the Place-That-Squeezes-Sawdust-Into-Fake-Firelogs people. “You speak our language! As government-subsidized capitalists, profit is our number one priority, and by cutting costs, our profits will skyrocket! We have a deal!”
Once the Place-That-Squeezes-Sawdust-Into-Fake-Firelogs people had finished the boards, Timmy the small pony went back to his barn and constructed a new barn. Within a few days, the trees saw this new addition and started to salivate in their sappy mouths. “ASUDUGTUSUDGARHUFSADAGGFUSS,” they said, which, translated, means, “Let us make haste, fair brothers and descend upon this new agrarian structure so that we may masticate it to pieces!”
So saying, they went down and ate all of the new barn, which killed them quickly. The Place-That-Squeezes-Sawdust-Into-Fake-Firelogs people came and ground them into sawdust and made fake firelogs out of them, which provided light for many people in large cities for hours on end around the following Christmas.
The moral of the story is: capitalism always triumphs over the cannibals.